Living a Full Life After the Death of My Son

Ten years ago this month my son died suddenly. As I reflect on this grief journey, there are key points in time that frame my healing process and have brought me to where I am today. In this blog post, I want to give hope to those who are grieving loss, especially those who’ve lost a child. Your life will be different, but you can find joy and happiness.

Talking About Suicide - Not Hiding Behind the How

A few days after Ian died, I decided that I wasn’t going to hide behind the how. It was and is especially important to me to speak the truth so his friends, our family or anyone else who’s lost someone to suicide will know that talking about this topic is healthy and important to healing. This freedom to talk about suicide loss and mental illness opened channels of communication and gradual healing that I don’t think would have been possible had I kept quiet. Talking about suicide helped ME and was my first step on this grief journey.

Learning How to Breathe - Riding the Tsunami of Grief

I often described my difficulty breathing as a grey cloud stuck in my heart area.  I had this picture in my head of a cloud that infiltrated every nook and cranny of my chest preventing me from breathing deeply.  Grief had sunk deeply into my body.   I also felt this grief like a giant wave, knocking me down constantly in those first few months after his death.  A kind stranger I met in an on-line forum for suicide loss survivors taught me about  counting breath, a technique that helps calm the body and mind and reduce anxiety.  I noticed the effects after only a few days.  This profound but simple breath practice was my entry point into yoga, a practice I soon discovered would be instrumental in healing. 

Making the Choice to “Lean Into” Grief – Moving Forward Step by Step

I believe there are 3 choices the “survivor” has after a traumatic experience: stay stuck, leave this earth, or move forward with your life.  I can tell you that in those early days I did have thoughts of leaving this earth.  I subsequently learned that those thoughts are not unusual and suicide loss survivors have a high risk for suicide themselves.  For me, the only choice was to move forward. 

Leaning into grief means that you acknowledge it, know that this pain is real, feel the pain, find ways to express and release the pain and eventually integrate into your being.  Grief softens but doesn’t go away, you don’t get over it and there is no set timeline.

My grief journey was “one step forward, three steps back” in the early days but that changed over the years as I worked through emotions that came up.  Trying different ways to work through and release grief pain helped me navigate the journey.  Yoga and meditation were two ways that helped me move emotions from my body. 

Finding Ways to Navigate Through the Grief Journey – Seeking and Accepting Support

Having a good support system was a key factor as I made my way through this journey.  First and foremost, my husband Bill always there for me, listening, listening, listening, and offering lots of hugs.  With all family members grieving in their own way, it meant we often had some bumps in the road, but we recognized this and were able to be there for one another. 

I ignored people who only wanted “to know what happened” and kept a close circle of friends and met new ones along the way. These friends treated us with such kindness, leaving open all possibility to get together or not with no strings attached.  It’s important for your own health to choose who you wish to be with.  And don’t be surprised if the people you expect the least from, are the ones who step up.  Many friends or family members you thought you were close to, may not be able to handle the situation and slowly move on. 

Other suicide loss survivors I’ve spoken with have not been so lucky.  Families were fractured, friends disappeared, and they were often left struggling.  They felt stigmatized and marginalized by their communities.  I met many of these people in an on-line forum Alliance of Hope, an organization where I eventually became a board member. 

Churches and many other organizations offer grief support groups but early in my journey I did not want to join a group, so I sought individual counseling.  My advice is to listen to yourself, try something and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

Comforting Body and Soul – Movement, Music, Ritual and Healing Arts

The first year after my son died all I wanted to do was get through it.  I knew that each “first” – birthdays, holidays -- without Ian was going to be awful and they were, but the anticipation was sometimes worse than the day itself.  However, the second year was even worse because it meant that it was really, real.  It was at this time and in the years after, that I sought ways to find comfort.   

Four months after his death I joined a yoga studio nearby.  I found strength in the poses, solace in the meditation and emotional release after each class.  Many people find solace in music.  I could only listen to music from my college years; these songs had no connection to my son. 

There are emotions that for me were “easy” to deal with like sadness. Then there were those that lasted for years, such as guilt and fear that were hard to release.  Finding rituals helped me release and heal.  Here is one excerpt from my journal:

I read a passage in a book by Melody Beattie about having a funeral for dreams that are no longer serving you. I stopped at the cemetery where Ian is buried. I prayed to my son, and all my friends and relatives who have left this world, and I especially prayed to my two grandmothers who also lost children. I asked them to please help me by taking these dreams from me: of being the mother of the groom, grandmother to his children, family vacations together... Please, I prayed to them and to God, take my dreams and hold them until I see you all again because they no longer serve me; I need to let them go. After many tears, I said goodbye to my son and left the cemetery.

I felt lighter as I drove on to my mother's house. I no longer hold onto these dreams; they no longer torture me. This ritual was very healing for me.

Transforming Grief – Finding Joy and Happiness in a Purposeful Life

David Kessler, the world-renowned grief expert, writes in his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, “Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

Finding meaning doesn’t happen overnight.  As joy replaces sadness and your heart opens to possibility, tiny seeds form that when nurtured, become your mission or purpose.  We don’t forget our loss but instead integrate it into our lives.  For some it becomes the catalyst to right an injustice.  For others, an opportunity to quietly help strangers.  As you move through your grief, you too can find joy and happiness in a purposeful life.

Want more resources to help you navigate grief and loss? Download the Free Tips for Grief Relief Guide