Finding Light in the Darkest Moments: My Journey as a Suicide Loss Survivor

Grief is an unwelcome visitor, and when it arrives at your doorstep, life as you know it changes in unimaginable ways. My name is Susan Andersen, and I am a suicide loss survivor.

Coping with the Loss of a Child to Suicide

On April 13th, 2012, my life changed forever with the loss of my son, Ian. He was a kind, generous soul who battled inner demons that eventually became too much for him to bear. That day, I joined the ranks of countless others who bear the heavy title of suicide loss survivor—a title I never wanted but have since come to accept and even embrace as I navigate this journey of grief.

The Day Before Suicide: From Joy to Tragedy

The day before Ian's death was a joyful one. My husband Bill and I were celebrating our wedding anniversary, full of excitement about our future as a family. Ian was engaged, and we were looking forward to his wedding later that year. But within hours, our world was shattered. Ian, who had always been a pillar of support for others, was gone, and I was left grappling with the enormity of his loss.

Navigating Grief After Multiple Losses

My grief journey didn't begin with Ian's death. From 1977 to 1992, I experienced more than ten significant losses, including the deaths of my college friends in a fire, my grandmother, my first husband (Ian's father), and my father. These cumulative losses compounded my grief when Ian died, revealing unresolved emotions and trauma that had been buried for years.

Why It's Important to Speak Openly About Suicide

In this blog post I explain why it was important to me to tell the truth of Ian’s death - that he died by suicide and suffered from mental health issues. Also I wanted to be open for Ian’s friends, our family members and other relatives who were struggling to process his death. By being open, I hoped to show them that it was okay to talk about their grief and emotions.

How to Survive the Early Days of Grief After Suicide

In the early days after Ian's death, I was moving through life like a robot. I made lists to remind myself of basic tasks like drinking water and taking a shower. I also learned a breathing technique that helped me cope with the overwhelming weight on my chest. Writing in my journal became a lifeline, and I questioned my identity, asking, "Are you still a mother when no one is there to call you mom?"

Shifting the Language Around Suicide

Grief is a journey that forces you to confront a new identity. For those who have lost a loved one to suicide, this identity is often fraught with stigma. The phrase "committed suicide" implies blame, a holdover from the days when suicide was considered a crime. We need to shift this language and instead say "died by suicide," acknowledging that our loved ones were suffering and not criminals.

Honoring a Loved One's Memory After Suicide

During that first year, I sought ways to keep Ian's memory alive. I participated in a suicide awareness walk with his friends and family, which brought us closer together. His friends even created a Facebook page where we could share memories and support each other. Having my story ready also became crucial when people inevitably asked about my children. Practicing my response allowed me to navigate those conversations without breaking down, especially in professional settings.

As a suicide loss survivor, the statistics can be daunting. We have a higher rate of death after the loss of a loved one than others do. I had moments when I considered giving up, but I realized I had three choices: live, exist, or die. I chose to live, moving forward despite the pain.

Creating Rituals for Healing

Over time, I've come to understand the importance of rituals in my healing process. Whether it was creating a funeral for my dreams or returning to church for the comfort of ritual, these practices have helped me let go of what was lost and open up space for new possibilities. Yoga also became a vital part of my healing, providing a way to connect with my body and mind in a supportive environment.

Living With Grief: Moving Forward After Losing a Child

Today, I continue to grieve Ian, but the intensity of the emotion has lessened. Grief bursts are fewer and farther between, and when they come, I embrace the emotion and let it pass. Ian is always with me, in the good memories and even in the difficult ones. I've learned that it's okay to carry him with me as I move forward in life.

A Guide for Suicide Loss Survivors: Finding Hope in Grief

To those who are walking this path of grief, whether from suicide loss or another kind of loss, I hope my story brings you some comfort. The journey is long and often painful, but with time, support, and self-compassion, you can find your way through the darkness. You will be okay.

If you are a suicide loss survivor, I have a free resource. It's called Healing Hearts, A Roadmap for Suicide Loss Survivors and you can download it from my website sueandersenyoga.com/roadmap.

Also, Five Weeks to Grief Relief is open for registration. This is a yoga for grief program.